It's a Mad Mad Mad Mad World

Congratulations...you are officially a dumbass.

2011-02-09T12:45:00.000-08:00

For those of you who are unfamiliar with this turd fondler, I'll provide a little background. In an attempt to create some sort of bizarre art project (ie, get famous for doing something radically and undeniably retarded) NYU assistant professor Wafaa Bilal had a camera with a USB port surgically attached to the back of his head so he could post pictures of his day, one every minute. Let me repeat this. He had a camera. With a USB port. SURGICALLY ATTACHED TO THE BACK OF HIS FUCKING HEAD.

In his own words, this project was an exercise in "capturing my past as it slips behind me from a non-confrontational point of view. It is anti-photography, decoded, and will capture images that are denoted rather than connoted, a technological-biological image. This will be accomplished by the complete removal of my hand and eye from the photographic process, circumventing the traditional conventions of traditional photography or a disruption in the photographic program."

After he got done jacking himself off with his "Webster's Emo Thesaurus," he may have done well to understand that when your project revolves around a camera that takes pictures, it is indeed photography, not "anti-photography." Anti-photography would be destroying pictures, or photographers, you fucking ass clown.

So, what are the fruits of our digital DaVinci's little art project? Well, I won't keep you in suspense. Check out the images I've included here from his website. My favorite is the one that's just black.

I mean, honestly, a completely black picture? That's worth drilling three holes in your head?? You want to share that with the world, send out a tweet telling everyone to close their eyes and save yourself from a surgeon taking a power tool to your skull.

When did it stop becoming enough to just paint a damn picture? It worked for Picasso. You want to be different and special? Fine. Dip your balls in some paint and drag your sack around the canvas for a couple hours, call it "Angry Undercarriage" and hang it in a museum for a while. I don't care what it looks like, the entertainment and laughter I'll get picturing some idiot "artist" all hunched over, dragging his painted plum bag around like a dog scratching his itchy O-ring on the family room carpet is enough to get me to pay admission.

You want to know the best part? This bag o' dicks had to have one of the screws removed because his body was rejecting it. Now his health and well-being is at stake. Here's my question: why the hell didn't he wear a head lamp backwards and replace the light with a camera? The effect would be identical.

You're right...my bad. That would have made him look stupid. And we certainly don't want that to happen, do we Wafaa?

Nation Mourns Death of Hollywood Lesbian Icon Corey Haim

2010-03-10T11:38:00.000-08:00

Earning fame and heartthrob status at an early age for her ability to play the role of a wide range of colorful male leads, Corey Haim finally succumbed to her lifelong struggle against drug abuse Wednesday morning, after she was pronounced dead at 2:15AM at Providence St. Joseph Medical Center in Burbank, Los Angeles.

Emerging once again from Haim's shadow is long-time co-star Corey Feldman (pictured right, performing a detailed visual mammogram on former wife Susie Sprague's cleavage), who has already made a play to capitalize on his friend's untimely demise. According to Hollywood sources, Feldman has begun production on a straight-to-DVD movie chronicling Haim's final days called "License to Drive the Hurse," in which Feldman will lead a seemingly normal funeral procession only to come across an unlikely and comical turn of events that, while testing their friendship at times, ultimately brings them closer than ever.

Feldman describes the venture as a combination of "I Love You Man" and "Weekend at Bernie's" and hopes this surefire blockbuster will finally help the general public discern which Corey is Haim and which is Feldman. "Haim = Dead. Feldman = Alive. It doesn't get any easier than that," quipped Feldman...or Haim. Whichever one is still alive. And not a lesbian.

Let's quit half-assing it, America

2009-05-29T08:48:00.001-07:00

Let me set the stage here for you before I get into it. There's a couple things you can't tell from the photo (and I'll take full responsibility for it, since this is admittedly a half-assed photo and I'm making a call-to-arms for full-fledged effort, but let's move on). This is actually a guy, probably about 20, decked out in a knee-length pink dress. Secondly, this guy has some disgustingly hairy legs poking out from underneath that dress. Some high-quality nastiness, let me tell you.

So here's the deal. You want to be a guy that dresses up like a woman? Fine. Be my guest. I'm not gonna stop you. But let's quit half-assing it, ok? I mean, this guy had (given, it was a shitty dress) taken the time to find the dress, get a matching shoulder bag (also not pictured) and gone as far as putting a pretty little pink bow in his hair. But the real show of effort would have been shaving your legs. That's the hard part. That's the part that says "I care." And he just said "fuck it." Well, I'm tired of "fuck it." Let's put some god damn effort into it people.

Just imagine how this kid's dad feels. Every Christmas he's gotta send out a holiday card to friends and family with a picture of everyone gleefully huddled around the tree--Dad, his glowing wife, loyal dog, and then there's Junior's nutsack poking out from underneath his reindeer skirt cuz he was too lazy to put some Santa panties on.

Well, here's a news flash for you, fancy boy. There are two things every dad wants of his son: 1) Be a man. 2) Whatever it is, give it 110%. Well, you've clearly stripped him of any chance of the first. So let's at least throw him a bone here and try to salvage some kind of relationship. Let's see some effort. Get some nair, tuck your fucking sack back and own it. If you're gonna be a bitch, be a bitch! Otherwise you're just another douche in a dress.

America--it's time to beat your kids.

2009-04-24T08:19:00.001-07:00

OK, here's the deal. In the past, I could never see myself advocating something like this. Kids are generally pretty innocent, and the thought of physical violence against them really is an arguably offensive institution. But the times, they are a changin', my friends. I think this epiphany came into full fruition at O'Hare last Thursday while I waited at the gate to board my flight. As I sat people watching with the sounds of Jeopardy! blaring from the airport bar TV (dichotomy at its best, considering the slack-jawed inbreds huddled around the tappers) I saw this kid (pictured above) skateboarding through the terminal. Now, at the risk of sounding like an old man shaking his cane at "those damn kids and their newfangled inventions!' let me explain.

First of all, just look at this kid. He's got his hoodie pulled up over his head, with his sunglasses on, meaning at some point in time, he took them off for security, then put them back on inside the terminal because he's just that fucking cool. And it wasn't even a normal skateboard, it was a dickbag skateboard (pictured below).

Guess what, Mackenzie or Skylar or Kennedi or whatever the fuck your stupid-ass name is, no 8-year-old is that fucking cool. And some people would blame the parents. Fuck that. I guarantee you this fuckwad's mom did not tell him to pull his hoodie up, leave his sunglasses on inside, and go sashaying through the airport on his douchewagon. What's the solution, you ask? Violence. A good old-fashion beltwhipping. Buckle first. That's right, I said it. Beat some humility into that kid. And you know what kids are always asking for? To be treated like an adult. Well, you know what, Hamilton? From time to time adults get their asses kicked. Sometimes really badly. Sometimes so badly that they have to come up with inventive excuses to explain their bruises like "I fell down the stairs" or "I'm taking a boxing class" or "I'm a fucking ass clown who skates through O'Hare with my hoodie up and sunglasses on and someone came out of nowhere and exacted some well-deserved vigilante justice on my punk ass."

At any rate, after I took this butt-monkey's picture I stood up to go grab a sandwich before boarding my plane. Unfortunately, Starbucks was the only option. And as I'm waiting in line to grab my overpriced yuppie-wich, a mom and her two kids comes strolling up, and with her hand on son's back says (and I shit you not) "What do you want from Starbucks Trevor...oh, look, they have paninis, I know you love your paninis..." Here we go again...

"Hey America! Look at me!!!"

2007-10-12T14:13:00.001-07:00

Now I'm not normally one to get into politics or issues in the news. My game is mostly taking pictures of people I see and then exploiting them online for my friends' (and my) personal amusement. But this really struck a chord with me. Ann Coulter, self-described "polemicist" (which, from her outfits and political commentary I'm gathering is a mashup of "racist" and "pole-dancer") recently appeared on "The Big Idea with Donny Deutsch" and dropped the bomb that she considers Christians to be "perfected Jews." Coulter (pictured above, simultaneously blasting Deutsch's religion and inviting him to view her vagina) continued to defend her comment without shame, citing fact as written in the New and Old Testament. I hesitated to even comment, as getting people's attention--and then cashing in--is clearly all this woman is about, but luckily,

I think her game is one that's quickly going out of style (along with the delicious leopard-print dress her doll is wearing, pictured right).

Donny Deutsch made a good point in a follow-up interview after his initial chat with her, in that he thinks America is quickly tiring of this particular trend in media coverage. The saturation of coverage that follows ridiculous comments and actions that are inflammatory for the sole sake of garnering public attention is quite simply wearing the public out. On one hand, I welcome the trend, as I know I personally would love to be able to escape the kind of media circus that seems to follow every off-color comment for weeks on end, until the dead horse is beaten beyond recognition. On the other hand, if people start shrugging off comments like Coulter's, which Deutsch almost seems to be advocating, then we create a dangerous situation in which high-profile people in the media are able to say whatever they want without public backlash.

Deutsch did make another good point though, and that was as soon as Coulter (pictured left behind a Tijuana burrito house moments after fellating the wait staff) walks away from her brand of "shock commentary", she's dead, apparently because she has nothing of real value to add. Again, another product of what can happen to a media that panders to the lowest common denominator.

Perhaps that's why Coulter (pictured below in the VIP lounge of a GOP dinner party after wiping a creamy load from her upper lip with her enormous man-hands that sit atop her disproportionately elongated Kevin McHale-like arms) dresses like a whore--adding yet another layer of superfluous value to what is otherwise a selfish, ignorant, irresponsible bitch who looks to exploit the media to fill her pockets--not that she could find a place for pockets on that outfit.

"Honey, put the cat in that box 'til he defrosts."

2007-10-12T14:05:00.001-07:00

New ordinance prohibits ND coach Weis from tucking shirt into pants.

2007-09-25T10:53:00.000-07:00

Scrambling for answers after an 0-4 start that included a complete dismantling at the hands of Michigan, Notre Dame officials have turned their attention to coach Charlie Weis' alarming appearance.

"It's distracting," noted Notre Dame president Rev. John Jenkins. "Our boys are out there, playing their hearts out, but concentrating on the task at hand while looking at a giant FUPA on your coach cannot be easy."

Highly recruited after winning three Superbowls in a four-year period as the offensive coordinator for the New England Patriots, Weis was looked to as a savior for the ND football program, which struggled under Ty Willingham (pictured above with Weis). And while Weis' first two seasons were stellar, his latest efforts have been atrocious, and many believe it is his appearance that's to blame.

"I saw him in the showers once," remarked former Irish QB standout Brady Quinn, now with the Cleveland Browns. "Honestly, it made me regret coming back for my senior year. It was perverse."

"It's like a manatee in khakis," barked freshman QB Jimmy Claussen, his eyes quickly darting in the direction of Weis' office. "I mean, I know I'm just a freshman, and I'm not supposed to say nothing, but come on. I think we've all looked the other way long enough."

To put an end to Weis distracting appearance, the Notre Dame Athletic Board voted a unanimous 11-0 to put into effect an ordinance prohibiting the coach from tucking his shirt into his pants at any public appearance. While the plan fails to address the root of the problem--Weis' grotesque figure--supporters feel it was the most effective short-term solution.

Cuba Photoshops Head of Castro onto Picture of Ali G--Claims He is Healthy

2007-09-24T11:40:00.000-07:00

The Cuban propoganda machine reached an all-time low Monday morning, publishing a doctored photo of long-time dictator Fidel Castro after all attempts at persuading the public that their leader was on the road to recovery had failed. Castro's health has been steadily declining over the past several years due to a battle with terminal cancer. And while the actions of those behind the stunt were no doubt made with the people's best interests in mind, their efforts may have been a bit misguided.

"It was not an easy decision," commented government PR official Eduardo Batista, "but one we thought would ultimately benefit the morale of the Cuban people. Clearly, we underestimated the popularity of this 'Ali G,' and made a grave mistake."

Shortly after the release of the photograph, thousands of Ali G fans, recoginizing the picture as an altered still from a previous show, alerted the media to the obvious misrepresentation of the quirky comedian. Needless to say, the reaction of the Cuban people, and die-hard Ali G fans, has not been positive.

The photo shows an apparently thin and fit Castro shaking hands with Angolan President Jose Eduardo dos Santos. It was lifted from a sketch in which Ali G briefly met with dos Santos and expressed repeated amazement at the fact that the president of the African nation was black.

Homeless guy needs $.99 to download new 50-Cent single from iTunes

2007-08-13T12:46:00.000-07:00

Now, I'm not one to rip on the homeless. Wait, yes, I definitely am. Where does this guy get off? Clearly, the homeless are not the cream of the crop when it comes to intelligence. But if you're trying to portray that "hard up" look, don't you think that taking off the headphones from your MP3 player might be a good move? This sack of shit's shaking a cup of money at me, trying to get another hand out, and all I can think of is him going home and plugging his iPod into his laptop to get the latest 50 track.

Take a Good Look at Yourself, America

2007-03-07T11:24:00.000-08:00

Yeah, it's a bleak picture for sure. But let's not sugarcoat it. Slovenly, lazy, and just downright ignorant and disrespectful - that's where we're headed. I found Dottie Dove Bar here on the Brown Line Monday night around 8:00 while on my way back from the gym (we clearly have different after-work agendas). With the current repair being done on all CTA lines, needless to say, the el car was packed. After a long day, we could all use a seat--but nothing was more deserving of a little time off their feet than a shoulder bag--at least according our husky friend. While the rest of us stood around (including a few elderly folks), she had no problem leaving her bag on the seat next to her while she chatted away on her cell phone. Notice she's even too lazy to hold the phone with her hand, but opted to tuck it into her hat to keep the effort level to a minimum. Way to conserve those calories, slim. Of course, I might opt for the easy way out too if my right arm weighed more than a Brady Bunch Thanksgiving turkey. And don't give me this "well, maybe she got teased a lot as a little kid and that's why she eats." Well, I got teased too. We all did. Develop a drinking problem like the rest of us.

I just can't understand people like this. While the glaucoma from her type-2 diabetes will eventually take her eyesight, at this current time, she can clearly see the mob of people standing around her. But nothing. No effort. No inkling of concern or consideration for anyone but herself. I've already vented plenty on the subject (see "The Lost Art of Being Considerate" below) but felt compelled to share this sack of shit with the rest of the world in hopes that it might make a small difference.

And then, after what I'm sure was a life-altering telephone conversation, she completed the Herculean task of lifting her arm, plucking her cell phone from her greasy hat, and placing it in her jacket. As one would assume, this effort really took it out of her. So she promptly pulled up her hood, leaned to the left, and feel asleep.

That's right, you sad sack of shit. Take a nap--you've earned it.

Las Tablas catering to "Hey dude, watch me take this dump" crowd

2007-02-28T12:51:00.000-08:00

Can someone please explain to me why this place would need a chair in the bathroom, especially one that faces the toilet? Is their food that bad that whatever abdominal distress it causes its patrons is so appauling that its exit from the body is worthy of an audience? Wow. No thanks.

Cubs curse blamed on P.K. Wrigley's marriage to vampire.

2007-02-27T08:17:00.000-08:00

P.K. Wrigley (left) with wife Helen, (right)

Out-of-Shape Politicians Sore After Repeatedly Sitting-Standing-Clapping.

2007-01-24T11:23:00.000-08:00

Following President Bush's State of the Union Address Tuesday night, Wednesday morning played host to a bevy of aches and pains as Washington's political brass attempted to recover from a long night of sitting, standing, and clapping--repeatedly. Bush's plans for reform on subjects ranging from the federal deficit to the War on Terror brought about several ill-planned standing ovations from politicians across the nation, with little or no forethought for the aftereffects on their atrophied bodies.

The president's discussion of the war in Iraq and plans for military action overseas proved particularly damaging, as in-shape members of the audience in the armed forces jumped to their feet in applause following every comment. Politicians, who dared not be seen disrespecting those fighting for our nation by remaining in their seats, were compelled to stand and applaud as well--despite appearing noticeably worried that they might be "overdoing it."

"This is awful," remarked Sen. Debbie Sabenow (D-Michigan) while an equally disgusted masseur kneaded through the fatty folds on the back of her legs in an attempt to relieve her pain. "Handshaking, baby kissing, waving to crowds--we're well accustomed to that kind of physical activity. But this was truly uncalled for. I mean seriously--should we even be clapping at all for this guy?"

After putting those in attendance through a vigorous workout of squat thrusts and hand smacking throughout the evening, President Bush felt the need to conclude the address with a show of his own physical prowess, defying House Speaker Nancy Pelosi to beat him in arm wrestling "two-handed, if ya like," and then making out with a Democratic lobbyist as he left Congress.

Coach Mack Brown Says Hurricane No Match for Texas

2007-01-22T10:49:00.000-08:00

With Hurricane Rita closing in on the Texas coast and thousands of residents evacuating the area, University of Texas head coach Mack Brown made a bold and defiant statement Wednesday morning. Citing a total lack of balance and unpredictability, Brown slammed the imposing hurricane and went as far as saying it "stood absolutely no chance of keeping itself in the ball game."

"We're ranked #2 in the country for a reason," Brown continued, "and if these Hurricanes think they can just come in here and steamroll our boys, they've got another thing coming."

Analysts breaking down the match up aren't as convinced. The Hurricanes have fared well of late, ripping through the SEC with crushing victories over LSU, Auburn, Alabama and Florida. And while the Longhorn football program is certainly not to be toyed with, it seems unlikely that even Texas would be spared from the storm's wrath. "This is a dangerous situation," warned meteorologist Mike Tanurra. "I cannot stress enough the power and potential for devastation this Hurricane possesses. They should evacuate immediately. This is serious."

"You're damn right it is," countered coach Brown. "But we're not going nowhere. Did this weather fella catch the Ohio St. game? They were the #4 team in the country and we shut them out in the fourth quarter. We've got nothing to be afraid of."

Others aren't so sure. With the death toll in Louisiana escalating into the thousands and Rita being recently upgraded to a Level 5 Hurricane, those closest to the situation are calling Brown's defiance a suicide mission. LSU head coach Les Miles advised Brown to head north until the storm passes. "We're still recovering here," warned Miles. "The campus was destroyed, our stadium damaged and our students are still a little shell-shocked. He's making a big mistake."

"Who told you that, Miles?" responded coach Brown. "Well, what do you expect? They've only had one victory-and they just barely beat Arizona State. We're 3-0 and beat the Buckeyes. And I'll tell you something else. That Hurricane is all offense. When it gets one look at Vince Young, it's gonna be the one running away."

Landfall on the Texas coast is expected by Saturday. Whatever the outcome, this is sure to be an instant classic.

African tourism on decline for women

2007-01-22T10:47:00.000-08:00

This is a real billboard found somewhere in Africa. I'm not even going to attempt to make a joke of this. If this painting portrays even 1/10th of a picture of what's actually going on over there, I'd be stamping a one-way ticket to hell for sure. Even though I'm pretty sure I've already got one of those...

Apple unveils new iForeign Policy for '08

2007-01-09T14:52:00.000-08:00

On the heels of President Bush's wildly unpopular foreign policy, which CEO Steve Jobs referred to as "clunky and unintuitive," Apple unveiled plans on Monday to release its take on the global community, smartly named "iForeign Policy" for Q4 2008. iForeign Policy's major selling point is its ability to let each user develop their own sense of foreign policy, and then easily share it with the rest of the world.

"This is a revolutionary step in foreign policy," an excited Jobs boasted to an auditorium filled with Apple enthusiasts during today's iCast. "For the first time in history, citizens will be able to express themselves and their unique interpretations of foreign policy, and then broadcast their views to the rest of the world."

While previous versions of foreign policy relegated citizens to a reactionary role to their government, this program puts the power to the people, allowing a previously unheard of level of customization and self expression.

"Compatibility was a huge stumbling block for these unsuccessful attempts at dealing with the rest of the world," continued Jobs. "But now we're looking at something totally different, something that just makes sense and is easy to use--no matter who you are."

Jobs continued touting iForeign Policy's potential by illustrating its compatibility with other Apple products. "So much of foreign policy involves other people. Not only are users now free to create their own perspecitves on the world around them, they can easily create an album of their thoughts in iPhoto, or document their views in iMovie and publish it to iWeb. The possibilities are truly endless."

Apple share were up 7.87%, helping drive up the NASDAQ to a record high in January.

2007-01-04T20:19:00.000-08:00

The Lost Art of Being Considerate

2007-01-03T08:30:00.000-08:00

I live in America. More specifically, I live in Chicago in the 21st century, so to say that I am shocked by society's lack of consideration for each other on a daily basis would be untrue. In a world that is increasingly more self centered, its members seem less and less troubled about stepping on the spirit of those around them if for no other reason than to gain a better foothold on their own self importance. When it comes to careers, school, and other important institutions--while still deplorable--at least it serves an understandable if not widely accepted purpose.

But this isn't what bothers me. What gets me on a day-to-day basis is people's total lack of consideration for others when it comes to the little things. Take this derelict pictured above, for instance. In the middle of O'Hare, the world's busiest airport, this cornshucking hillbilly has absolutely no issue with removing his socks and shoes and placing his disgusting, fungus-ridden (and they were--click on the picture above if you think I'm kidding) feet on the seat across from him. Even the middle-management douchebag in his standard blue-button-down-shirt-and-black-slacks uniform seems somewhat appalled at this guy's behavior. A child may soon be placing his hands on that exact spot to hoist himself up on that chair, then sucking his thumb to quell his anticipation of a visit to Grandma's house in Orlando. Well guess what Timmy. Now you and Mommy will spend some quality time in Grandma's bathroom while she debates taking you to the hospital for your explosive diarrhea.

Unfortunately, it doesn't end there. I work at an office at a massive international company. My co-workers are among some of the brightest in the industry, crafting brands and award-winning campaigns for companies across the globe. Yet every time I walk past an open stall, I see that someone has left the seat down and pissed all over the top of it so the next guy can enjoy it when they sit down. I mean seriously--the message that they're sending is "I work with you. I may even go to lunch with you on occasion. We share a common vision of bettering the place in which we work and creating ingenious creative. I also feel comfortable relieving myself on the backs of your legs."

It takes two seconds to flip up the seat. Two seconds to put a napkin under your diseased feet if you must air them out in the airport terminal. Two seconds to spit your gum into a trash can instead of on the sidewalk where someone will step in it. But people just don't care anymore. They leave their dog shit on the street. They let their kids throw trash on the ground. They cut people off--all to save a handful of seconds. Yet they'll take the time to stop, dig through their pockets of hard-earned money, and give a homeless beggar money for doing nothing. Maybe it's to make themselves feel better about all the inconsiderate acts they've performed that day. Ironically enough, the bum will use that money to pony up the $2 el fare, find a nice open car, and proceed to take a dump in the aisle to ensure the commute home for the working world is a pleasant one. Thankfully, some other inconsiderate soul will be sure to have left their newspaper on the train so he has something to wipe his ass with.

Waters recede, unmask new epidemic--type 2 diabetes

2006-12-18T14:37:00.000-08:00

As rescue workers and healthcare officials worked fervently to rescue those still stranded inside the devastated city of New Orleans, a new and potentially even more deadly epidemic is being uncovered as flood waters recede: type 2 diabetes.

“At first, our efforts were focused on water pollution levels,” commented WHO representative Fred Hertz. “But while e-coli, petroleum, and lead are as much as 1,000 times the acceptable level for recreational waters, it seems there is an even bigger problem on our hands.”

Area officials have reported 157 deaths directly linked to type 2 diabetes in Bernard Parish alone, but numbers are expected to rise, potentially to the thousands.

“The extent of suffering inflicted by Hurricane Katrina is absolutely astonishing,” cried Gabriel Nunez over the deafening blades of a rescue helicopter struggling to lift a helplessly overweight resident to safety. “But the amount of damage these people have inflicted on their own bodies before Katrina even arrived is truly unfathomable.”

Preliminary numbers show that as many as 83% of the impoverished residents of New Orleans are overweight, with as much as 67% of those people qualifying as morbidly obese. Red Cross pilots are being dispatched with orders to bring 10-12 refugees to safety per mission, but the sheer size of many of those stranded is seriously complicating their efforts.

The Robinson family (pictured above) brought Lt. Col. Cody Patterson’s A8-4031 to cargo capacity, prompting an early return to nearby Caldon Air Base. According to Patterson, their gratitude was somewhat questionable. “I thought they’d be happy to just be alive. But the woman just kept screaming at me. ‘Y’all got any Ho Hos up in here?’ It’s a good thing I didn’t have my gun. Honestly, I think I’d rather be in Iraq.”

Cubs/Cardinals rivalry has area dufus rooting for Atlanta, Georgia Tech

2006-12-18T14:34:00.000-08:00

Donning an Atlanta Braves t-shirt and white Georgia Tech baseball cap, this fan soundly proved he has absolutely no idea what the hell is going on. The rivalry between St. Louis and Chicago is one of the most heated in all of baseball. Perhaps second only to Boston/NY, this perennial clash brings fans from all over the country to Busch and Wrigley in the summer months to watch their favorite teams duke it out. But there, amidst a sea of red and blue screaming passionately for their hometown heroes, stands this dumbass. Just think, there was actually a point in time before this dipshit left his house where he looked through his entire wardrobe and decided the Braves/Yellow Jackets combo would be most appropriate.

I've always wondered about people like this, showing up to sporting events decked out in their favorite team's apparel despite the fact that they're not playing. While this activity seems to be a favorite of the mullet-topped, south-side White Sox trash who go to Wrigley for no other reason than to taunt Cubs fans-regardless of their opponent-at least it has an underlying purpose. In this case, however, there is no purpose, no reason, no conceivable possibility where wearing a Braves shirt and Georgia Tech hat would have a connection.

Nevertheless, it wouldn't be any fun unless we made a few up. So, here are the top three best guesses I could come up with:

#3: He wants people to know he's from Atlanta.
Guess what, you turd fondler, nobody cares. Atlanta's not playing in Wrigley, Atlanta hasn't even clinched their division yet, and Atlanta didn't get hit by Hurricane Katrina. And what the hell has Georgia Tech done lately? Their football program sucks ass and basketball season's a little far off.

#2: He's prepared.
OK, we've all been here before. You're just about to throw on your Cubs hat and shirt and go off to see them play the Cardinals, and then you think to yourself, "Wait. What if there is a nuclear holocaust and/or every professional and collegiate sporting team has a plane/bus crash, except for the Atlanta Braves and the Georgia Tech basketball team, who both just happen to be in the Wrigley Field area, and rather than morn a national tragedy, they decide to play a baseball game, and here I am, caught with my pants down 'cause I've got this stupid Carlos Zambrano jersey on."

#1: He's retarded.
This is my vote. Slouched, disheveled, and jaw agape, this monkey stands outside Sports Corner looking for a pity fuck from some homesick drunk bleacher bimbo too loaded to realize she left Atlanta seven years ago to get away from people like this. I got a pretty good look at this guy, and I'd be willing to bet he's taking the short bus home.

Art of mime, gospel, finally united

2006-12-18T14:32:00.000-08:00

Gospel music has a rich history in the black community and can be traced back as early as the 18th century. Before even a small minority of blacks could read or write, gospel music was an expressive means through which they could communicate and particiapte in worship. In the tradition of the black church, call and response in singing and in speaking has been and continues to be a foundation on which the gospel is delivered.

I know what you're thinking. Why not just take the singing and speaking out and replace it with everyone's favorite street art, mime? Why not indeed! From the ghettos of Harlem to the streets of the South Central, this movement, not surprisingly, has been gaining momentum for the last several decades. And now, after years of patient planning, the black community stands poised to reap the rewards through the magical stylings of K & K Gospel Mimes.

According to their site (and why shouldn't they have one-you're not going to hear a radio commercial about them) "these identical twins (Keith and Karl) silently interpret contemporary Gospel music with dramatic gestures and animated facial expressions, portraying man’s resistance of life’s evil temptations and His transformation from doubter to believer." Excuse me, Keith, Karl, I have a doubt. I doubt that a few hundred black people accustomed to clapping, singing and listening to gospel music are going to sit quietly while you and your brother play mute grabass on stage for an hour.

Their site also goes on to say that "K & K Mime Ministry (yes, it's actually a ministry of mime) wants to ensure that their message will transcend every generation. As young adults, they are particularly concerned about the issues and temptations that the youth face today." Keith, Karl, sorry to keep doing this but I have another question. If you are so concerned with ensuring your message of gospel transcends every generation, then why don't you use the universal language of the spoken/sung word-as the message of gospel has been passed from generation to generation since its inception?

Perhaps my favorite belief of the "Ministry of Mime" is how they think that, through gospel miming, they will send a clear and powerful message to deter the youth of America from the "issues and temptations they face today." Keith, Karl, peep this belief out. This sentence will never be spoken in the history of time: "So I was walkin' down the street on the way to rob the liquor store and pick me up a dime bag when I walked past the church and saw these two mimes shakin' they thangs makin' some change and I thought to myself, I'm gonna stay in school and get me an archery scholarship."

But I'll give the "Ministry" some credit-it's an idea I never would have thought of. That's probably because it's fucking stupid, but let's take a minute to imagine how the world could have benefited had they only thought of it sooner. Just think how much more interesting "Gimme a Break" would have been with a mime Nell Harper. Or how much better that New Years scene in Boogie Nights would be if Don Cheadle had on white face paint and couldn't talk. Maybe he WOULD have gotten that loan from the bank!

Yes, the possibilites are endless. But one thing is certain--everybody hates a mime, and Keith and Karl are undoubtedly no exception.

Crow 1, Bat 0

2006-12-18T14:31:00.000-08:00

OK, there's nothing particularly funny about this, but I feel compelled to share it if for no other reason than to prove it can happen.

I was walking up to my office building (Michigan and Wacker) one morning and noticed a sharp shrieking noise, which I quickly dismissed as a small bird. The more intently I listened, however, I realized this was no ordinary sound. As I looked over, I noticed a crow standing immediately before something wounded, and flapping. As I walked closer, I realized this flapping, shrieking mess was a live bat, and a pretty big one at that.

The crow had it on its back and was picking it up by the wing and shaking it to rip it apart. A crow. Eating a bat. In front of my office. I don't live in Kentucky.

I didn't think I'd ever see this happen. Probably because I never thought this kind of thing happened, period. But it's for real, that much I can tell you.

Virgin found in Wrigleyville

2006-12-18T14:29:00.000-08:00

No, I couldn't help myself. I saw this sitting in the front yard of someone's apartment a few blocks from the ballpark when the thought hit me-and I just couldn't walk away without a pic. And yes, I'm aware I'm going to hell.

Einstein proves time travel possible...again

2006-12-18T14:28:00.000-08:00

They say that Einstein had a closet full of the same suit. This way, no time was wasted on selecting his daily attire. Well, as we can see, Albert has decided to "mix it up a little," opting for a slighter more gay approach to his wardrobe. However, he appears to repeatedly select the same seat for his commute home, close to the door. Hands folded neatly in his lap, briefcase securely tucked behind his feet, he pensively studies the outside world through the looking glass that is the double door window of an el car.

According to Einstein, space-time can curve back on itself, theoretically allowing travellers to double back and meet younger versions of themselves. But what about forward time travel? Has pehaps the greatest physicist and most profound thinker of human history chosen to propel a more fashionable version of himself through time, only to sit idly on the Chicago Public Transit system?

Only time will tell...or will it...

Einstein alive and well, and on the Brown Line.

2006-12-18T14:27:00.000-08:00

I don't really have much to say about this one, but I swear this was Einstein. Look for a revolutionary breakthrough in the field of physics somewhere in the Chicago metropolitan area in the next few months. Namely between the Loop and Kimball.

Pants were not meant to do this.

2006-12-18T14:23:00.000-08:00

Yes, I'm back at it again. But seriously, when Chicago public transportation presents me so many opportunities to capture people at their worst, I don't see how I can, in my right mind, ignore it. Or, apparently, not photograph it.

We've all seen gentlemen like this. From what I gather, after turning a certain age, pants as we know them are no longer correctly engineered. The potato-shaped lower abdomen area (in older women most affectionately referred to as a "FUPA") requires the pants to be worn very low, or, as we can see in this case, very, very high.

What struck me as odd in this particular fellow's case, however, is the sheer enormity of his lower gut and the almost incredulous height at which he has chosen to wear his pants. Either he is the victim of an exceptionally gross instance of self negligence, or he is smuggling Elian Gonzalez back into the country. And if the latter is in fact true, I must say, job well done. Name me a customs agent willing to get to the bottom of that case and I'll show you a guy who should not be out mingling with the general public.

Bonds Quits Steroids-Admits He is Also Serena Williams

2006-12-18T14:19:00.000-08:00

Amidst gasps of disbelief, and a few hushed bursts of "I knew it!", Barry Bonds revealed in a press conference this past week that in addition to being the all-time single-season home run leader, he is, in fact, Serena Williams.

Bonds credits his desire to be a two-sport athlete and a chance meeting between he and Richard Williams, Serena's father, in 1997 as the impetus for the remarkable 9-year masquerade.

"Richard and I ran into each other at a hotel bar in Phoenix, and he kept going on about how good Venus was, but how he wished he could make even more money. After a few drinks, the plan started coming together."

With Bonds cycling off steroids during the off-season, the opportunity to fulfill his lifelong dream of being a women's tennis star seemed closer than ever. Richard Willams recounts their first discussion:

"Venus was great. But she was quiet, and had no competition-which means no endorsements, which means the end of the gravy train. My other three kids have no talent-I mean none-and I'm done changing diapers. This seemed like the best option."

When asked if he had any regrets surrounding the sham, Bonds seemed defiantly unapologetic, and had only this to say:

"It was all worth it. All the accolades, the attention, the trophies. I mean seriously-I've seen Anna Kournikova, Maria Sharipova and Jennifer Capriati buck-ass naked. How the fuck you gonna turn that down?"